Thursday, November 09, 2006

ah yes. do and don't, please

Well kids,it's been a while. In honor of Halloween and my sticky space bar key, I present you with another round of dos, and don'ts.

1. Oh. This guy. Drinking in your friend's toy-ecncrusted basement all night does wonders for these guy's self-esteem. They go from being kind of the quiet shoegazer guy in a bad shirt in the corner to being everyone's best buddy, and they start saying things like "swinging!" and "rad!" and they pose like they are just full of balls for a picture. Then the next day you go up to them all "That was great last night when you beat the game on galaga" and they go "um yeah thanks" all muttery-like, and walk away. I gave him a five.

2And this bitch. Now, I usually don't use bitch this way, but you can tell from looking at the picture that she loves it. She calls her friends up on her pink razor chocolate mp3 thing and says "whassup mah bitchessss!" and sends them a text message about how her boyfriend forgot her birthday again, or how she can't handle all the math in her polysci class. It is a nice Halloween getup, I must admit, and for the gold hearts I gave her a three.

3. Is it just me or is this the most awkwardly framed photograph you can imagine? I can't quite tell if he is supposed to be casually leaning (leaning on the ground, that is. on the ground itself! even keith richards has some angle of lift from the earth.) or if he has actually fallen down, and is stuck to his own vomit all over the curb. I give it a nine, because I love a good visual paradox.

4. Just chilling, in the yard, with the guys.Summertime in the suburbs. The lawn is shitty because it's a party house, and nobody waters it or anything. They just hang out back there and drink a beer in the sun and play catch and shit like that. It's her house which is why the red cups from yesterday have all been picked up. This one is a keeper, boys. She'll play kickball all day, hump all night, and still have time to get a keg tap for friday. I give her an eight. Because I love summertime.

5. I usually don't review dog,cat,car,etc photos. But this one's caption said "look at my dog mine gangster sparky" and I think this just speaks volumes about how much the guy loves this mophead. I mean, this dog is hims gangster! he lets us know twice that it is HIS dog. In two separate tenses. He really loves the hell out of this fucking thing. He brings it to the ghetto bbq and carries it around. I love this guy and his dog, naive grammar and all. I give mine sparky a ten.

6. Bettin on the bull in the heather! God, baby dykes are just so fucking adorable. They have this thing where they might drunkenly punch the plastic bear on your lawn at any moment, or just cuddle up to you and ask for smooches. I think if all gay people were baby dykes the world would be a much betterplace, at least visually. And in terms of adorable chaos---It's seriously like watching a puppy kill a dust bunny, hanging out with them. I give her a seven.

7.Philipinos have this food called bolupt which is made of a rotten baby chicken in its little egg. They bury it inm dirt and stuff and wait like three weeks and let it rot then eat it.Apparently it is delicious but smells like whatever this girl just smelled right before they took this picture. Kind of like durian fruit, which smells so strongly of rotten snatch that it's illegal to bring it in an airplane unless it's frozen. I give her a five because I agree that that stuff reeks, even though it tastes delicious.

8. If she looked like she liked the horse I'd give her a high score.But they aren't even looking at each other, so I doubt the level of connection in their relationship. Two points, for the fashion sense.

9.Now this makes me happy. You know she is at her weird aunt's house posing for a picture. The creepy overlit flash just gives it away, along with the undecorated hearth behind her. What kind of sicko hasn't got any knick knacks on the hearth? And her aunt just fed her a huge meal, so she looks more like a stuffed sausage in the gut area than she usually would, and...agh this is just that really awkward moment, you know? So to make the old bat happy you stand there and smile. It's odd that this would be online in a non-blackmail capacity, though. five points...

10. I had some really mean and biting things to say about this picture and then I stopped myself, because it's hard enough to be conjoined at the head like that, let alone get clothing over that weird bump that connects them.

10. Two ten pointers in one go?! This must be the highest-averaging doanddont yet! Now this is a definite and immediate ten. He is totally hiphiphippityhop the mummy of doom. You know he thought of this to wear to his friend's halloween party and was all excited that he actually had a costume. Not a big dorky over the top kind, because he's really kind of a mellow guy-just something to let the world know that he likes halloween, is scared of mummies, and likes to have fun.


Now this is magic. soft-focus lights, pastel colors, big happy beautiful smiles, stars, hearts, and a pinup girl pose that makes her the sweetest girl in the whole world. If you went away to another city for a few months she'd send you this with a note on the back that said she really missed you, that she loved to be your friend, and then your heart would melt and new york would become a wintry landscapeof despair, compared to shreveport. nine points.


For a great costume idea you can always carry a fan around and go as fabio.


another great halloween idea-stripper with fat belt!


This terrifying ...thing,it,it crawled up out of the swamp.and it ate all the crack and all the bud light in the whole town. it took the national guard to save alabama.


I love the divine mask-and-apron set halloween costume. I just wish it came with a mohawk wig.

And now, I will go vomit some more. That has been my pastime all day. I thought I was hung over (from three beers?it seemed unlikely to me, too) but I allegedly have a "stomach flu". Honestly it feels like the time I had salmonella. So maybe I just had some bad ass.

Or something. Eggs, I mean bad eggs.

It is made worse because benjy should be here to nurse me back to health in time for meto get him sick so I can nurse him back to health. Fortunately for him I'm wallowing in the agony of puke-guts all alone. I even went (thanks to bruki) and had some soups, but they came back up too.

that is all.

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