Sunday, December 10, 2006

report to the home planet

I have spent the last several days with a task I have procrastinated away for thirty years now. I've been putting off fulffilling my mission but given the recent spate of free time, I felt it was finally the proper moment to assemble a brief report explaining to the folks back home on neptune, all of what I have learned of your people. I submit it humbly, here, on my space, out of consideration that you may want to know what is being said about you as a species, to those who are so distant.
My fellow Neptunians<> The following list encompasses the majority but not the totality of what I have learned of humankind, in the previous thirty years of observation and experimentation. I hope it will prove useful in your understanding of this place, and of the strange transmissions you have previously received from this place, which were the motivation for my original visit. I know that it has been quite some time since I reported to you; but as they say here, some things came up. I would like to present this information in list form, to ease my own thought process.

1.Human beings have some logical faculties.

2.They are usually set aside immediately whenever emotion is involved.

3.Their offspring individually, mean more to them than the destruction of their entire race.

4. Their convenience means more to them than their offspring's future standard of living.

5.This contradiction is resolved by arguing, screaming, carrying signs around, nursing infants in public, and sorting garbage into different containers within the home.

6. Human beings have an innate sense of inadequacy and guilt, which can easily be invoked to alter their behavior.

7. They enjoy this, but resent their own enjoyment of it, and rebel in curious ways. here I must digress to tell a story I heard which is native to this planet.

An archaeologist (refer to glossary at end) was seeking an ancient burial ground on the property of a tribal reservation. Several natives were watching him. He spied a mound, and grew excited. "Dig here!" he shouted to the natives. They raised their eyebrows at each other, shrugged, and fell to assisting him. As the hole grew they stopped helping, one by one, and stepped away. The archaeologist dug his pick into the dirt once again and fell into a slimy pit filled with human excrement. "Help me out!" he screamed. The natives helped him out of the hole. "What the hell was that???" he cried. "Oh, that's our new septic tank." The oldest of the men replied. "Why didn't you tell me that!" he asked, shaking his feces-coated arms wildly. "You never asked." Replied the sage.

8. Since the planet has slavery in various forms throughout its past and presetn, rebelling through obedience has become prevalent.

9.The vast majority of humans have never killed anything more than an insect. yet they consider themselves very dangerous, and are frightened of each other.

10.the male of the species, while it can be provoked to violence, is usually too concerned with sexual matters to be aggressive for any other reason.

11.The female of the species can be provoked, but will usually react with discomfort and shock to violence.

12. There are exceptions, of course, but the exceptions must have years of solid training before they can kill without fear. Even then, their shame is obvious to a keen observer.

13. In the western hemisphere, and part of the east, most people are concerned more with the objects they have accumulated than with anything else.

14. They become as emotionally attached to objects as they do to living things, if not more.

15. Many television shows, called "sitcoms", mock this tendency, especially in the male of the species, who are referred to as owning "toys".

16. The female of the species have the same compulsion, usually dedicated to objects which can be worn upon, or secreted in, the person.

17. Human beings communicate through an advanced series of gestures and sounds. Pure language is known to them, but few bother to use written language or telepathy. Most use a sort os primal body language, combined with repetitive phrasing.

18.Human beings are innately lazy, and this is dangerous because of its highly infectious nature as a meme. Convenience and speed are more valued by them than accuracy.

19 Though they have craftsmen and artisans, these usually produce useless tchotchkes and bits of unattractive artwork.

20. Their artists, visionaries, and poets are usually starved and emotionally attacked until dead. Then, they are valued highly.

21. They use a system in many areas, politically, economically, and socially, that pits the many against the few. Those who are most in need of protection or aid are "voted out" and those whose ideas could reverse bad group decisions are not permitted the power to do so.

22. Human beings do not like those who are more intelligent than them.

23. Human beings do not like those who are more attractive than them.

24 Human beings, in short, do not like anything, or anyone, who is better than them, in any capacity, whatsoever, and will often sabotage such, in order not to feel powerless and inadequate. (see #6, above)

25. Most will choose something useless and pretty that is cheap, to something functional and beautiful that is well-made.

26. They prefer to discard objects and acquire new ones, to maintaining or building those that will last.

27. The quickest way to a human's heart is through their greed for reassurance.

This concludes the first section of my report. In the next section, I've simply collected some tidbits from the popular culture of the western world, specifically the northern half of the north american continent.

People like to watch other people cry. Crying, especially attractive women crying, is one of the most common sights on their television.

People enjoy hearing bad news about their bodies. They also enjoy hearing about simple and convenient ways to remedy these problems. Pills and medications, along with simple household tips, and cooking programs that refer to weight loss, are incredibly popular here.

People seem to be addicted to the minutest details of the interpersonal relationships of fictional characters. Not only do they argue, scream, cry, and nurse in public themselves, they will spend endless hours watching complete strangers pretend to do the same.

People like unhealthy foods, and try to slowly kill themselves in a variety of ways.

Anything that is promoted with "regular joe" phrasing has immediate success.
People will more willingly vote for or purchase goods or services from an idiot than for or from an intelligent and rational person.

People will resist any suggestion intended to modify their behavior, unless the reward is so great that it is impossible to resist. For some, this reward need not be large.

People will more willingly debase and degrade themselves for a prize, than they will uplift and protect their integrity, for the same prize.

People like to watch other people fight and have sex, in that order.

People enjoy seeing those who disagree with them being harmed.
One facet of human life that still baffles me is the religious component. Although presented rationally on rare occassion (as a private matter of personal belief and deep feeling) usually it is with anger, hatred, and disgust at the world around them. It seems that most religious people of all faiths dislike sex, especially their particularly tabooed form, dislike festivities, dislike eroticism, dislike open speech and discussion, dislike intelligence, and are fervently opposed to change in any and all forms. This causes some public health issues, as well as many wars and other atrocities. I will attempt another report on this subject soon, after I have delved deeper. For now that is my report. I will update, you know, um, if I get time. Yours sincerely, capm %^~^%

ps.I wrote this quite some time ago, when I promised Bruki I was going to write something. I hope it doesn't piss off any dumb ass jerk bastards. Because I hate pissing them off.

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