How to make an extremely old-timey picture
1.First, You have to brew coffee.2.Then, pour into a tray. Soak some cardstock or watercolor paper in the coffee, crumpling it and savaging it at random, if you are in a foul mood. or just soak it flat if you feel pretty amiable.
3.Lay the paper out on a towel or other handy surface, to dry out a bit. You want the paper to be just about nearly totally dry when you start working with it. Not damp, just chilly. You'll notice that the crumpled scapegoat
paper looks kind of cool.
4.Next find yourself some reference, or using your brain and its own images, start drawing in light pencil on the paper. I used a 6h pencil so it would be very faint.
Then take a small soft filbert brush, dip it into black ink, and draw some more.
5.I have used reference for my hooter picture. Whatever you are drawing, remember that you only have a few minutes before the yard bulls show up and stick ya in the pokey, so hurry the fuck up.
Keep it extremely simple.
6.I mean real simple. You can use, like I do, watercolor black from the tube. Or you can use some liquid watercolors.
Or you can use kid's paint, dry watercolors, although those are a pain in the ass. I suppose you can also use sharpie or prismacolor with alcohol on the brush, too, but those dry really fast, too fast for me to do old timey stuff with them.
Here is my ink and brush- as you can see, my brush is flattened and curly? That's because I'm too lazy to clean them up right away, so they sit in the water til they dry out weird
and curly. Don't do that. \
7.I usually lay in the darkest areas first, then come back through with a dry brush and smooth out the edges, then with a only very slightly damp brush I moisten the edges of that again, making it blend. it doesn't take long and you don't need water- it's easier to use a damp sweaty hand or your spit to do it. if you are drinking your coffee like you should be then your hands will be nice and sweaty by now.
8.At this point, just crank up the music and keep going. you wanna
keep it minimal.
I actually think I did way too much on this one, way more shading and fucking around than I should have.
The simpler, the smoother, the less work, the better with this stuff. If you mess up somewhere, just find a way to hide it with more black. That's what it's there for, right? I guess if I was truly old timey I'd be using lampblack soot and saliva only to make the picture.
I try to get pretty close, anyway. Eventually, you will come to believe you are finished, or the yard goat's light will pick you out, and you'll have to stop with the feverish sweating and blending. 9.Now, since you've come so far, finish out any little things you got confused about,or forgot to do, while you were blending.
Like his fucking feet and the perch. Everything will probably look a little rough and shitty at this point. It helps when doing this kind of artwork to make sure your lighting is inadequate, and that you have someone sitting near you drinking and exclaiming at random intervals,
and that you work on a shitty piece of uneven wood, or at least a shitty old clipboard precariously balanced
on your knees. Markers are only considered cheating if you do them with your right hand.
roughed out \
10.Now if you want to be schmancy, you can pick a few spots and put a color in it. One color. What do you think this is, art school?
One color only. Remember, you're a bindlestiff, a wayfarer, a gandy...you ain't got no room for paint pots in that sack, kiddo. One color. It's not even 1940 yet, so simmer down. I like to use red everytime.
Put a dot where you think the darkest red should be.
11.Do this for every place red will go.Then use the almost all the way-dry brush you've been chewing on, to blend them out. I like to make the areas of color into little half-circles.
12.Wow, that's come along pretty far. Looks nice and clean. At this point I usually would put on a monocle and top hat. No matter what you are drawing, just go ahead and do it,
trust me, monocle and top hat.
13.At this point, get out a thin liner brush, or a permanent black non-water soluble marker,and clean up the edges of the black and all the lines. Now if you want to be a dick you can add a bunch of crap around it. This one looks like a capitalist pig owl to me, so I'm giving him a name and a joke.
You will be tempted to draw blood, or if you are a tattoo"er" some raindrops, around the object. Resist this temptation!!!
Your picture should be a combination of items that is humorous to you, and you alone.
14.Now get a damp, really damp rag, and a candle, and set that shit on fire!
15.The rag is for putting out the fire, so that you only burn the parts
of your page that seem useless to you, or where it would look cool to have a singe.
16.Bet you like it so far, huh?
Think you did a good job?
That's some kinda cool picture?
BULLSHIT, IT'S GARBAGE!
THROW IT THE FUCK AWAY!
YOU SAD SACK OF SHIT,
YOU CAN'T DRAW!!!
Damn, I was just kidding!
Sheesh, man, try to have a thicker skin!
Why you gotta be so worried
about what I think, anyway? flatten that
thing out again, let me get a closer look.
oops oh shit hey I'm sorry- Hey waittaminute...ok
17. Crumple it up, flatten it out,
spill coffee all over the back of it,
and let it soak for a few. Don't do this
until ALL the paint has dried completely.
That looks right out of a hobo museum.
Good show, sir, good show.