Monday, January 16, 2006

1. Back in the seventies, certain filmmakers and photographers would record their own daily lives, often pointing the camera into a mirror while some dumb-ass trippy psychedelic* band played as a "soundtrack". This sucked even then. The first time it was done it was not very interesting and its power and meaning as a film technique swiftly plummeted from there on out. If you haven't got even one single solitary friend to take your damn picture, just get the hell out of my interweb* and shut up. 2 points.

2.This chick, on the other hand, has been doing body shots off her pal Heather's belly and ass all night and isn't likely to quit any time soon, because she's been walking around drinking red bull and vodka and getting surly. She would make a perfect hate-fuck if you could find her anywhere in public, but lucky for us she usually is found in her best friend's living room ranting insanely until four AM, or until a boyfriend of one of them shows up, in which case she will get into a loud and ungainly wrestling match with the poor guy until they break some furniture and then she'll fall asleep in the ER* while they set his broken arm... I had a lot of friends like this when I was younger and shit, man, I miss them. 8 points.

3. This guy is sooo deep. He is a sensitive wandering soul, and when he has emotions they just...well, he just feels more.*

3 points.

4. These are the chicks that drunk dial your boyfriend at three in the morning and wake you up, because he's too smart to get out of bed for the phone*, and when you answer the phone they say "TEEhee, teehee, who's this?" as if you haven't lived there for two years. it should be illegal for some women to buy tequila or wine coolers. one point each, total, two.

5. This is the one girl's brother, he's 17 and has been hiding in her closet for four whole hours waiting for his siter's friend to get undressed and maybe have a pillow fight or something. He spends too much time lurking to take a really good or well-lit picture, but you can tell by the gleam in his eyes that he means business. nine points.

6. Wow, JC Penny portrait studios are really doing some amazing airbrush work these days. One point. As my Mom would say, "quit that! you'll get chapped lips!"

7. Look. I know you get rock hard thinking about firing that big gun, or defusing those land mines, or figuring out where to lay down tactical defenses, but to the rest of us you are just a fat, violent jerk with no fashion sense who has been purposely brainwashed to kill for GWB*. I skipped him because they won't let me give a zero as a score.

8.Your tattoo is too small for this picture, and too small for your back. Two points.

9.I am so goddamn sick of "NEOTRIBALISM" and all these fucking losers from small town america walking around in some kind of retarded war paint, doing fucking easy-ass circus tricks and pretending to be Shaymen*. Just go get some kind of inner life that has something to do with your own actual history. Better yet, join the army. They'll teach you to get up before noon, you lazy fuck.Ten points.(hey, it's still kind of hot.)

10. Now this guy has got it all going for him. Burgeoning mustache, tender smiles, and the soft cheeks that women love to lean on. I give him a completely non-ironic nine.


11. The caption says "me and the love of my life". How can he be in love with such a shitty house?

*"psychedelic" - How can music itself be "psychedelic"? It does not actually induce any kind of altered state of brain chemistry, nor is it an actual object. I always thought somehow (Garner agrees) that the word was meant to modify a concrete noun. Which "music" is not. Music is an abstract noun, like "terror" or "drugs". It is something that cannot be warred against. This is leading too far afield now...

*"interweb"- I talk to people on the intercom, inside the computer, on this interweb that comes into my house. Be glad it's not all caps.

*"in the ER"-true story. my hand to god.

*"just...feels more"- I once went through a sensitive phase. During this week, I told a boyfriend this exact phrase while explaining my feelings. He replied, "Now that is just one step beyond what I can deal with. Eat a jalapeno." And I recovered quickly.

*"too smart to get out of bed for the phone"- "So what if somebody died or got arrested? Is my wakefulness going to bring them back from the dead? I couldn't afford to bail anyone out anyway. Only asshats call people at night."

*"GWB"- No really. I get queasy from bilious anger when I think too hard about this shit.

*"shaymen"- this is the correct pronunciation. I swear I met this guy from Indiana that would always say it, because he was one, you know.

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