Monday, January 16, 2006


Once upon a time there was a little girl named bonnie. She had a wig on with pigtails in it. Then she found a door in the back of her house that led into a scary basement. She went inside, and sloooowly walked down the stairs. Step by step. Inch by inch.

When she was one step from the bottom a hand reached from underneath the last wobbly step and grabbed her ankle! She screamed, and tiny monkie hands came out from everywhere, tickling her and pulling off her wig. "aaagh! no, monkies, no!!!"

They carried her, giggling and squirming, down into the secret lair of the Lord monkie. He made bonnie sit in his enormous lap. Then he gave her some fruit juice. Bonnie was out of breath and not sure of his intentions. She said,"Lord monkie, how do I know you will be nice to me?" -and not tickle me anymore or scare me by grabbing my ankle! she thought- and the lord monkie replied in a deep and regal tone "Because that is what little monkies do, and I'm enormous!"

She was reassured by this and drank her fruit juice, which put her soundly to sleep. When she awoke she had a long long beard down to her feet, and her armpit hair had grown enough to create a small jungle around each side of her now-withered breasts. She stood up, shaking the dust off of her clothes, and looked around."where have all the monkies gone?!?!!" She cried.

She left the cave and walked back to the town, now a giant city. All around her were people covered in strangely shifting tattoos and weird ornamental bumps that moved on command. A kid on a hovering bicycle nealr yran her down. "look out old timer!" he shouted.

Bonnie got angry. "why that stupid fat old monkey tricked me!"

she marched back to the lair of Lord monkie and called for him. He came out slowly, dragging his long red fur cape behind him. All the tiny monkies were sleeping on it as if it was one big red mattress, so it was very heavy.

"Put me back in the twenty first century, Lord monkie, or I will rip your eyeballs out, eat them, then puke them all over your fat stupid head!"

"okay, okay. Just put your wig back on and you'll be back where you belong. I just thought you might want to see the future."

Lord monkie handed bonnie her wig, and when she replaced it on her head she was once again at the top of the stairs leading to the basement entrance to the lair of the Lord of the monkies. Now because bonnie was also a big fat stupid head herself, she did everything I just told you about all over again, instead of turning around and going home.

The moral:

If you put a thousand monkies in a room, they probably won't write Hamlet. They'll just elect a leader and go to sleep.

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