Monday, January 16, 2006

do's and...ah hell

1. This woman's little description even says :monkey: in it. What sh'e strying to do, of course, is prove to us that she is "fun" and "easy-going". To me, this screams "high maintenance" and "has something to prove about that". Mainly because she is NOT dressed for play time, but for a miniskirt hustler photo shoot. I give her a three.

2. This woman has been to some local mall-based modeling school, where they charged her three hundred dollars to learn how to throw her shoulders back, and told her she was a "winter". Not that it helps. But she is an asian chick, so I gave her a few points just for the pretty factor. Rank? 4.

3. This girl's mom or best friend took this picture. She usually hides from cameras but they caught her not even paying attention to it, just kind of walking along and giggling to herself about that last episode of "buffy" and shit, and it makes this picture absolutely great. You knwo she used this one 'cuz she didn't have any other pictures of herself that she liked, except like the one where she's posing with people, and she hates that one because they made her put on makeup. I give her a nine.

4. I don't know what unholy hell of sitcom-like depravity this young man was raised in, but it shows that he has been turned creepy by the exposure to it. I like creepy shit so I give it an eight.

5. Okay. You want to look un-posed for this posed picture you are taking of yourself. So you must carefully stand in front of your younger brother's unmade bunk bed, with your hair perfectly tousled (I bet it only took her an hour to get that right) and made-up like you just got done having a few whiskey sours, and be sure to catch the weirdo family vacation photo too, and unless they are an expert (like me) nobody will be the wiser. Right? Score- four.

6. Dude, mudvayne just sucks. They're not even like bad, they're mediocre that it's not worth it. And this picture looks like a five-year old with one eye drew it. Knock it off, okay? rank- zero.

7. Perfect. I give it a ten. It doesn't hurt my eyes like the last one did.

8. This has to be the least informative, most boring, trite, and empty photograph of the bunch. What guy DOESN'T wear a blue hoody? What guy DOESN'T have three hundred of those hats in the back of his closet? For shit's sake there's not even anything IN THE ROOM WITH HIM. Just the same futon that every guy's friend has. With the same ten dollar sheets from Wal-mart. At least he could make a face, right? NO! He's just looking blandly at us, pretending to kind of smile, in case we think he has a PERSONALITY or something-that would be scary!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AT LEAST EITHER OPEN OR CLOSE THE FUCKING BLINDS!!!!Rank-5. Median score, you know.

9. Now THIS man has some courage. Hangs out in the garbage? Unafriad to show it! Wears friendship bracelets that are like a jillion years old? OF COURSE! Has no idea whether or not he needs a haircut? Y'know, FUCK you for caring, you shallow bastards! I'm Carl, and if you don't like it, leave me alone. I'm happy right here in the trash. Rank- 10.


Vat? You no like a mime? I wash-a mine face then. VAt? You van me to then preten' I am in mow-shun? I can do thees theeng of vich you speek. I vill stand in thees fake moshuns unteel you say I will no more. For the love of mime, I do thees.

let's drink to the death of irony. I'm ready. are you?

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