Monday, January 16, 2006

do's and don'ts

Episode three I just wrote and then LOST in the computer. Dammit. It was all about emo kids and genderbending and there was a ten rating in there, too. Some happy happy people dressed as cleopatra at a party. damit. It was a great ranking episode. Sorry I forgot to save it, folks. So in lieu of the lost episode here is the next installment of do's and don'ts.

Where does the hair begin and the darkness enveloping his soul end? Who can say? He's wrapped in darkness. A mysterious figure of doom. Very, very serious too. Despite the fact that he took the picture with his mom's digicam that's attached to the top of the monitor-he is still deep and meaningful. There's a poignancy to his glare that only my own memory of angst-ridden teenage hell can make worthy of a six rating.


I have said it before and I will say it again. DON'T USE THE PICTURE YOU HAD TO CUT YOUR EX OUT OF. Although from the look on her face it's a good thing he's out of the picture now-it looks like he's been pummeling this china doll emotionally, and nobody likes that kind of shit. I give her a seven for getting rid of the chump-but I subtract two for the fact that she used this picture against my recommendations. 5 points.


This one has the caption "at a hockey game". I like it because it's maybe her brother's game? And she's pretty happy? because, like, they're winning? And that's like her dad there too? The eyeshadow has to go, though. I give her a five.


This one says "community festival 2004" and I bet, I just bet, he listens to NPR at breakfast over his grape-nuts and organic free-trade coffee. He also has an astounding mustache. I am giving him a high score not only for the mustache but also for the highly-visible arm hair. eight points for civic minded joe.


You never know what you're going to see in the ranking pictures. Sometimes it's just the same guy over and over again. But once in a while you find a true pioneer among the average fellas that put their pictures up. Someone who is not afraid to use crazy effects and stuff like that to be a little more original in their photo. Someone like this guy. He's ready to use a mirror AND a camera. And he's so proud that he'll include his collaborator, "sony 10x", in the shot. six points for effort.


click here for the full glory shot

My god. The armageddon is at hand. two points. one for each pec. (just because we're incredibly really-really good looking doesn't mean we can't not die in an accidental gasoline play-fight explosion.)


I told you in the last installment, or maybe the one before that, that I wholeheartedly approve of intergenerational relationships. And despite the fact that lesbians cannot yet marry under the law I wish them the best. eight points.


Look. I don't care if your cat has antlers. Stop posting this stupid point for the deformity.


"Look! I have friends! In real life! and they call me all the time!" She's so cute that I can't hate her for being desperate. six points.


"SWM HWP looking for nice ladies who want to correspond with a kind, funny man who is in prison. write to me at #276476238, ashland correctional facility, b wing." I give this guy nine points for the years he spent wide awake staring out the blinds, because the neighbors were cops who sent him "bad vibes".


O man. Remember when atari came out with food fight? And you could watch mtv for like ten hours and never see the same video more than two or three times? And Vh1 had no shows on it? and like skateboards were made skinny and plastic and you had a bmx bike and you would throw pogs with your brother? And remember kungfu theater on sundays? And remember when you wrote that girl's or guy's name on you rtrapper keeper and then had to scribble it out right over the face of he-man because you got scared they might find out you were on their jock? O man. O man. That was cool. I drink now, my friends, to the death of irony again./ and I invite you all to join me./in the throes of bliss. ten points.

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