Monday, January 16, 2006

do's, don't

So I have this habit, when I am bored, of going through the pictures people have submitted for ranking and thinking great or terrible things abou tthem I waste some time between work doing this. I usually keep it to myself but I think I am going to start throwing in a blog every few days about this internal do's and don't's monologue. Mainly because I enjoy inflicting my tastes and opinions on the world at large, or at least the sliver of it that is readin this.

In this spirit, here are my choice do's and don'ts from today's ranking photos.


this here is adorable. I mean, she's got the beach, the sunset, the happy face with the cute cheeks...I bet people are rating her really low because she's kind of chubby. But she's really cute. Admit it, you would eat cookies with her on the beach. You would cuddle-tickle wrestle her til she had sand in her hair. She looks like the kind of chick you could totally share a fondness for old Newhart episodes with. I gave her a ten.


Ah, the sensitive middle-aged man. Can't you just haer his soon-to-be ex-wife crying in the background at the thought of some younger woman seeing this sappy thing and emailing him for weeks, til they hook up and she never calls him again? You can bet his STBX knows how shitty that folk song is, the only one he knows how to play, the one he always quotes drives her nuts that she took this picture five years ago and he still uses it to show what he looks like now. I gave him a three because he's trying really hard.


The problem here is that we can't see this guy barely at all. Is he hot? Who knows? Is he gross? Fat? Does he have a weird growth on his cheek? Who cares, he has a cat! He must be pretty cool. Right? (Gawd I hate it when people post cat/dog/pet photos. You are not your pet! Duh!!!) Rating? 1.


"Look at me! Aren't I cute? I'm very nice too and I would give you a blowjob! Maybe! Like, if you are clean and don't touch my head! Plus, I'm cute! I even show some skin in this picture. Like, my belly is tan too!!! I like my belly since I got the abs of steel thing! Isn't that cute?"

-why don't you just put up a sign that says "will fuck for engagement ring and mortgage" and leave it at that? rating-5/ she is kind of cute.


This makes me really happy. It reminds me of the bonsai kitten page and that is good. He has this popeye vibe that gives me a warm shiver. You can tell this one is NOT desperate, nor does he care if the ranking is a two. He just wants to inflict the smush face on all comers. I give him a ten.


What, prom? Naw. We're just sharp-dressed madmen on a mission! We're cool, yo. We're only wearing these suits in a spirit of post-punk irony. I'll even make an obscene hand gesture at my friend's mom's camera to prove it. See? It's cool. Rating-4 (even unsuccessful post-punk irony deserves a point or two.)


Two don'ts in one picture. 1.He is drinking and not in a group of happy people who are also drinking, nor is he performing a crazed antic. 2. he has cut the girl he's seeing out of the picture so other chicks won't think he's with anyone, just in case he can "get some" on-line.
Plus, he's kind of boring. How many of these guys' pictures have I seen today? Are they all the same guy over and over? It's uncanny. You see the picture and you think, "I just looked at this guy!" so you go back and sure enough, it's only a slightly different guy standing next to an only slightly difefrent half-soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. Huh. rating-2. both points are for the hospital wristabnd that he is still wearing. That takes balls.


The caption said "SEXY PRINCESS HATS!!!!" and I concur. Rating-ten.


As an adult woman, I am fully in favor of relationships with a male-female age difference. I think it's great that more and more women are becoming involved with younger men, and that society is giving up its disapproval of these relationships. I find it reassuring that these new and looser relationship mores are taking effect even in the midwest. However, like most things, it can be taken to extremes. I can only wish them best of luck in their new marriage. rating-9.


What the hell am I supposed to do with this? I don't have a dick so I can't jerk off to faceless breasts. Even if I was a man, and liked men, wouldn't I rather see ass or something? Do gay men suddenly care this much about man-tit? I am so completely confused by this that it's hard to even comment. I wish men would realize that women usually like face, ass, or cock. If we can't identify your body from the image presented as you then we don't really get all that excited about it. This is just weird. Plus, the boobs look kind of like overstuffed sausages. Is there something I'm not getting? Faggots, a little help please? rating-1.

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