Monday, January 16, 2006


I want to say YES to personal hygiene. A checklist for all would-be naked-together-type-people:
1. Teeth. Breath.

See to it. The stems of hot peppers from your last meal of Thai-style tempeh curry are not an aid to kissing. The garlic miasma makes it hard to hear your witty banter. And who can even look at someone through a haze of onion? They make these things called Brush-ups. They're like mini-in-a-package toothbrushes that you can carry in your pocket or purse. Bring them like condoms, everytime you go out to flirt. Trust me, good breath will help a conversation get started.

2. Hair.

I know that you have been cultivating your dreadlocks for twelve years. Would you wear the same pair of pants that long? If you would, you should probably stop going out and flirting and just go hang out at the hot springs, because you are also probably creepy and unlikely to improve. Wash hair once a week at the very least. More often if you have a smelly occupation-this includes working in the tofu factory, cooking, and any kind of washing job- and even more often if you are greasy(you know who you are). Bedhead is attractive when you are in bed with someone. The duck-ass haircut was over three years ago. Too much product? Wash it out. Don't you want people to touch your hair? Especially people that are going to later touch your genitals. I would say that brushing is required but you can comb or pick it too. Just arrange it on your head in some fashion and don't put too much shit in it. And wash it.
3. Hands and face.

It's cool when you're younger to try all kinds of crazy makeup stuff, whether you're a boy or a girl. Some men look great with eyeliner on. Some women look amazing with a weird bjork-pris-from-blade-runner-thing smear of lipstick. Try these experiments at home. Then try them again at home with a critical friend. Let them tear you a new asshole. Then go wash your face.

Men. Please, no dirt under the nails. You want to put your hands on some genitalia, right? I don't care how hard you work at the lumber mill. Get a nail brush, at the drugstore, and learn to use it. It will make people more comfortable about the genital touching thing if they are clean.

Ladies. Please, no heavy perfume on the neck and ears. It is not 1890, we have this thing called soap now. Use it. Also, if your nails are three feet long don't expect any non-masochist to want them anywhere near the tender parts. Men don't trust your hand-eye coordination that much. And go easy with the makeup. You look like grandma sometimes and that is a big turn-off.

4. Clothing/shoes/hats/accessories.

Make sure there are no - gaping holes in crotches, tight parts over things you don't want people to stare at, thing that constantly need adjusting, too many layers, things that are eight sizes too big, etc. Your clothes should actually fit and flatter your body. You're not being repressed by the fashion conspiracy here, folks. It's just that if you look nice the people you want to sit and talk to will find you pleasant to look at, and will be more likely to start talking with you. You want them to hear about how you play the sousaphone like Jimi Hendrix. You don't want them to ignore that to stare in awe at your camel-toe (or that thing that looks like a goiter hanging over the top of your too-tight collar, or your faded poop-stained boxers peeping out of your pants, or the rolls of fat along the waist of your low-rise jeans, etc) You can wear anything you like as long as it fits you and isn't smelly or riddled with holes. Ok? There are onyl two exceptions to this rule. Old men are not allowed to wear pants that are wider than they are long. Grampa's shorts are NOT HOT. You are no longer twelve. Ok? And Asian girls are no longer permitted to wear heels with jeans. Sorry. It's just like a trailer park in here and someone has to put a stop to it. Also, last but not least, when you wear a skirt over pants you look like the cat lady. Stop that too.

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