Tuesday, March 06, 2007

junior dos and don'ts

And now, because I still feel young even though I am the new nap Queen, some more do and don't action for you all. The junior edition, and all the past episodes linked at the bottom. Coming next, the senior version.

1. I think that she is trying for some kind of rip-off look from Crocodile Dundee's girlfriend, back from the day. But! She has a very crooked face, which somehow makes everything all right again. I gave her a FIVE, because it's the only thing that wasn't boring about this picture.

2. Oh honey. You know you're living hard when you have eye-luggage too big for carryon and you are stilll too young to wear makeup. Eight points, because I love to see butterface in the making.

3. If you shaved that fuzz off the bottom of the egg people might stop pinching your cheeks til they are so red, dude. 5 points, for the bad camera angle. It is like weegee with a disposable camera in here today.

4. then we get this cretin. I know you've had a few girlfriends that said you were hot, but Janice Dickinson wouldn't even let you in the door. Because as long as your tattoos are so easily hidden all you can do with this is try for a job at old navy, which isn't exactly high style. three points for the hubris.

5. I am soooo in love because I like Jamiroquai!!!! (*)ten points woot woot

6. A big spoonful of raw sugar for your hot mocha, a pat of creamery butter for your muffin, a few bacon crumbles for your mac and cheese, and some cornpone for those greens. nine points, without irony.

7. Please. Superman is cool because being boring and normal is his FAKE self. You can't just be a normalperson and put on a superman suit- as I've heard somewhere (anyone know what this is from) ---superman is great because it's NOT A COSTUME. THOSE ARE HIS CLOTHES. The suit he wears as clark kent? THAT'S his costume. This guy has it so backwards, it's hard to make anything funny out of this. one point, for the totally bland office building saltbox he's posing by.

8. You are in your friend's basement. And the girl that you aren't really that inot that has a crush on you pulls out her digicam and takes your picture. You don't really want her to have pictures of you, because it makes you feel weird (welcome to the world of sexploitation, honey) so you casually look as peeved as you can without actually not smiling, because you don't want to have to talk about any of it, you just don't really want her to enjoy the picture that much. Nine for strategy.

9. I kind of hate this. It smacks of "they live" foir some reason and I can't quite put my finger on it. The dry, flippy spike haircut? maybe. The big arm in the sun? could be. The tight sleeve, and the pose of determination? yep. Three points, because sunglasses that look shitty but let you see the enemy aliens are still pretty cool, and rowdy roddy piper can't fuck up good scifi no matter how hard he tries.

10. This bitch is gonna grow up to be a fucking hellcat, whirlwind, awesome pal. ten points. You can see it in her eyes.

Quit spending your money at hot topic. You strippers have taken all the un- out of "punk".

Strangely enough as I got to this "bigmouth strikes again" came on the shuffle. Speaking of no right to claim a place in the human race, when did the elfs rise up from the ground and join the myspace community? I guess it's something to do with Liv Tyler, who I only like if she's creepy/scary.

and for your pleasures, here are all of the previous do and don'ts. Beware that some of the earlier episodes no longer have images, since people get embarrassed after a while and take them downfrom their myspace, and I choose not to save them on my own bandwidth...but the commentary is still there in all its glory.

episode 1
episode 2
episode 3
episode 4
episode 5
episode 6
episode 7
episode 8
episode 9
episode 10
episode 11
episode 12

* see, I am old, so I've never actually heard Jamiroquai, but I know what it means thanks to sami.

No comments: