Tuesday, March 06, 2007

senior dos and don'ts

Daaamn. it's really tough to find people older than me on myspace.

1. If she would quit cheating on your dad they might not get that divorce! right? Right!?! four points, because behind every bit of crazy in the world, there is a crazy maker.

2. This is not only a gorgeous photograph, but a nice pose, totally un-self-concsious and endearing. I give her a nine.

3. Look. You haven't hit the glass ceiling, there. What you hit was your own incompetence, and that ceiling is made of brick. three points, to encourage her to stay in the workforce now that the breeding years are over.*

4. Wow. The best thing about this isn't the guy, or the fish, but the amazing tshirt and the neat way he's sliced the arms out of it to avoid farmer tan. ten points (not for the fish, that thing is weak.)

5. Ever wonder what happens to those guys that drink pabst all night at the bars and listen to a lot of david allen coe? You know the ones, they're like sweet blue collar guys and they really like to be that way? * Well, they get married and let their wives dress them. But they never get fat, and they only get richer for it. Six points, it'd be more but the pants are just too much even for me.

6. Ever wonder what happens to the crust-punks that you used to know when you were a teenager? Me too. I always assume they either get jobs and start bathing and therefore, disappear, or that they move to some squat in belgium. And once in a while I find out where one of them went (...Dogfood! I see you out there!) and I'm always totally shocked that they are actually a stockbroker with that Chumbawumba tattoo on their neck.*

7. Quit buying the new breast models. When you change them every month people soon realize they are fake, and stop wanting to see them. Nine points, because- breasts! C'mon.

8. Ever wonder what happens to that guy that doesn't know from boundaries, that gets pissed when you don't want him to buy you a drink at the bar, and gets all huffy because you don't want him to hit on you? well, he tears his hair out in frustration that "nice guys" don't get laid all the time* and ends up in a wifebeater trying to pick up younger chicks online, where he's totally honest about his looks and stuff, and then gets all mad all over again because strangers won't write back to him. I give him a five. This way, it's neutral and he won't think I'm a cold bitch.

9. Ever wonder what happens to that guy that rocks out like crazy all the time and falls off tables when he's drunk and shit at shows, and knows just about everything about slayer and all things related, but also has an extensive collection of Dr. Demento vinyl? Well, he's still here, man. He's still here. Ten points.

10.Moms need makeup. It looks pretty on them. And if she got out of denim land and all she'd be hotter, instead of looking like an extra on Walker:Texas Ranger. Four points for the pretty lipstick.

I once dated this Jewish guy, in Philly, for about a month, and we used to play Jihad cards and chess, and I met his mom once by total accident and she told me a great story about how my favorite anarchist bookstore used to be a wobbly meeting house and stuff, and she was a total commie and had once lived in a kibbutz and planted food and all that, but she came back because she wanted to be a slut (her words) and so she likes "regulah life, ya know, in tha city and alla that." She was awesome, her name was Judith, and this lady has the same smile. Ten points.

3.* yeah. It's my Mom's generation. They all had this thing where they would like be hippies and pop out kids, and then stay home and raise them in these crappy relationships with selfish bratty dudes who wanted to "save the world" by not giving a shit about anyone but "Me" and then these ladies, when the kids were gone, got left in the dust for some chick that's never heard of the ERA or women's lib, and who thinks reading Maxim is "feminist" somehow, so they have no work skills or experience (and don't give me that shit about childraising being work, because it's not, because at work you have to co-exist with ADULTS who PAY you and tell you what to do and stuff) and so now they all have crappy and humiliating jobs.

5* ... Will.

6.* I know at least ten guys with the damn crass logo on the neck, and one of them is actually now a stockbroker. And dennis dogfood-man, I'd love to know that guy's still alive, even if he IS flashing heifers.

8* Although why "nice guys" would be SO concerned with "getting laid" is a mystery to me, because isn't that "rude, raunchy, selfish, and manipulative guys" and not "nice guys"? I mean, at least be honest about the motivation and don't make up soime name for yourself that makes you seem like anything BUT a big horn-dog. There's nothing wrong with wanting to fuck, and most women like to.

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