Friday, January 05, 2007

the squee- dos and don'ts

Once again, I have spare time enough for this exercise in futility and shallowness.

1. Oooookaaayladies. I know, I know. It's hard to find a costume when you have no imagination. It's even harder to find one when you are bound and determined to get those immense tatas out there in plain view. It's even harder when you are getting up there in years and have just enough sag that you are forced to wear a bra under your halloween costume. But there is really no excuse for dressing up as evil Dame Edna twins. I give them a two, one point each, because at least they are obviously drunk.

2. You know that times are tough when you can't afford a "baby bouncer" seat for the kid, and you have to just tie her dreads to the ceiling and hope for the best. Ten, because that shit looks like fun anyway.

3. Now, usually I don't give you guys the enlarged version of the photos in here. It just doesn't look aesthetically pleasing to me to have my entire blog column a mile wide. but for these guys and their sumptious feast I am willing to fuck up my anal and compulsive drive to narrow alll text columns. Just look at that spread! It's as if the Mongol horde finally conquered Sam's Club or costco!!! The enormous gatorade bottle is the tip off! and that chick? Is one of the cashiers, yeah, those guys are pretty rough dudes, and they must have included her in the pillaging. Nine points for ferocity.

4.Where the hell did all those blowflies come from? Either this lady has some skeletons in the vat of acid in the bathtub, or they're just there for her sunny personality. five points//I am neutral when it comes to insects. They are after all a natural part of nature's cleanup mechanism.

5. This is so .... wintry. I had to make a hakiu for it.
trees have shed their leaves
onion church sheds believers
pink man sheds his hair

14 points, in all.

6. I hate this picture. I will give you ten reasons, if I can, and deduct a point for each. looks like the calendar advertising weird durian soda at the sushi restsaurant, month of may2.her hair is glued to her arm3.she has crazy dragon lady eyes that want to kill me4.her lace dress is melting5.her bra is made of the same thing as her melty eyeshadow pink lipstick7.with my csi training i enhanced the photo to show her wearing heels with jeans8.obviously can't drive stick shift (not an asian or woman thing-doesn't want to break nails)9.has fake nails(see # 7 above) 10 so muchh bright white i feel like I'm being abducted by aliens

7. "Yo, you wanna get a beer in a sack and sit on the porch and armwrestle? I know you have a crush on me and that's ok. Maybe afterward we can go watch that dumb movie I taped last week and then we'll eat some ice cream and hang out for a while, but I gotta go to bed early cos I've got to go work at the youth shelter tomorrow. You down? Cool." ten points. oh so ten points.

8. I was all ready to dis him, then I blew it up and read the ill-fitting t-shirt and connected it back to the total lack of anything but irony in his spirit and I say, hooray! Irony is dead! I like this kid! 7 points. (The shirt says, "keep laughing, it's your girlfriend's shirt")

9. Judging by the high shine on the ground, I think he's progressed beyond "wax on,wax off" and into some karate netherworld of "polyurethane high-gloss finish on, don't paint yourself into a corner so you can't take off."

10.While it is a sad fact that carrying a baby, or being a doctor, can increase your chances of scoring with the ladies, stealing scrubs and wearing them to more effectively steal a random infant will NOT get you laid as easily as just rocking up and going to med school, or breeding would have. It's just poor planning, and impatience, is all. no points.


Once again, I remind you all. You will never, never, never get laid again if you leave your girlfriend's arm in the picture. Just take a damn picture of only you! Quit recycling your poor decisions and laying them around where the rest of us have to see them!!! Unless, of course, you have a conjoined female twin and that is your arm. In which case, I know a lady up in seattle who would just love you.

another, extra, bonus!!!
Oh my lord. Sweet sunshine, late afternoon, the end of a great day playing around in the grass, playing fetch with fido, eating fresh corn on the cob and squealing while washing the car. I have to say one prejudice I have, and cannot shake, is a deep and abiding love for black women in orange shirts. There is something wholesomely erotic, something vibrant and sunny, something, something, ...something damn downright American about it. It makes me weep with patriotic fervor, and want to go dump tea in the harbor. or something. This is what all those fine young yankees died for in the civil war, my friend. and it is totally worth it.

extra double bonus of doooom

and then there's this. I really really wanted to end on a high note./I mean, a high note that wasn't off-key and grating and damagaing my eardrums. A sound that wasn't just at the upper edge of possible hearing and yet so loud that it drowns out even the voices in my head. This is the squee, my friends, and when you have heard it once, you will forever live in dread of its recurrence. My esophagus is trying to climb out of my neck just from the sight of this phenomenal squee. I can't take it. And you know- somewhere on this earth there are people who love this woman, and who live in the shadow of the squee, and who hear it even in their dreams. I guess. But part of me hopes that they don't. Part of me hopes that all of those who love her are deaf, or impaired to high frequencies, or...and this is a terrible thought, but...that no-one has ever ever heard this at all. that she lives in some remote cabin where only the insane would dare to hike...behind an impenetrable forest, at the summit of a mighty and imposing peak that rivals annapurna in its vengeance. That sherpas dare not lead the unwary within miles of...the squee.

that is all.

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