Tuesday, February 13, 2007

valentine do and don'ts

In honor of this yearly train wreck, a special dos and donts honoring the couples of the ratings list on myspace.Instead of the usual 1- 10 rating, I've given each relationship both a predicted ending and length it will likely last.

In case you are wondering, it took viewing and skipping 300 images to find 13 couple shots. That's how much I love you people.


Our couples.

Some relationships rely upon a combination of humor, lust, and alcohol. This appears to be one of those. This relationship will end with hair-pulling in a women's bathroom at a laundromat, when underwear that does not say "girl power" on the butt is discovered in the communal laundry. End date-6 months.

This couple loves their dog. Therefore they will stay together, "settling", and forgiving each other for all kinds of imagined slights, until the day the dog dies.

Another pair that's connected at the head. Usually this would be a good sign, but since neither one is looking toward the other I see a sad end to this relationship. As soon as she gets her liberal arts degree, she's outta there. End date-two years.

Body language can be very telling, don't you think? Here's this guy, that just hates being touched, with this lady that just loooves to touch stuff. With both her arms, even! And the kid doesn't seem too excited about the whole scenario. I give this one about five years, because as soon as that guy goes bald he's going to spend all the egg money on a red car to match his shirt.

This picture was posted on the (hidden) young lady's page. One can only surmise that she has abysmally low self-esteem, therefore dooming any relationship she will have with a narcissist to lasting at least long enough for him to steal any remaining shred of identity she has. I give them three years, mostly spent (by her) checking his cell phone for texts from a string of "that other chick"s..

They look normal enough, don't they? But they're just the kind of couple that poisons elderly lodgers and steals their SSI checks, repeating the process for decades; before finally being busted with great media fanfare and much sniffing of cadaver dogs in and around the foundation of their new deck. I give them at least ten years before they go to separate prisons.

The one on the right taught the one on the left what a dental dam was last week. They are destined to do great things together, like settle down in the nearest suburb and pop out four or five semen-donor-assisted cherubs. Twenty year shelf life for these guys-unless the gay marriage laws change, in which case they will divorce before the kids are older. Otherwise they'll stick it out for the sake of shared parental rights. They will split up because one of them really wants to move further out to the country side, and the other misses Milwaukee.

The perfect couple-for now. In about two years he'll trade her in for a younger model, and she will pine away in some used-car-salesman's son-in-law's garage.

Oh my lord. This is the best yet. These two will be going to tea parties and church socials together until they are both old and grey. Sadly enough, it will most likely be the lack of privacy in the nursing home that splits these two.

Once again, I stand firmly in favor of older women dating younger men. And since Demi and Ashton have lasted this long, I'll be nice and give these two at least a decade, or until he is old enough to drive, whichever comes first.

Some people celebrate valentine's day in simple ways. And some people really enjoy life that way. And since these two are wholeheartedly in agreement about the romantic nature of pizza and a burger, I forecast a nice, calm, simple and long relationship with very few problems. When they do break up, they will only argue about that one coffee table that they both like.

Sometimes people who marry for convenience end up finding true love. This is a fairy tale, happening right before our very eyes. They may have been jaded and bitter at each other before this moment, but their love has clearly conquered all obstacles. I give them at least a year. Their breakup will involve highly emotional crying jags from both, and lots of late-night visits "just to help him calm down".

I know, I know. Photoshop would have worked wonders for me here. I just prefer the old style punk rawk cut and paste. I'd rather let your imagination do the work sometimes-after all, isn't that the true pleasure of reading? That everything isn't spelled out for you with bad musical cues and over-scripting, that you sometimes have no idea what will happen next? If this was a modern film you'd have been hearing the heartstrings plucked for these two from the very beginning of this essay. But since this is the written word, you got to have this nice little surprise at the end here.

These two- they are the people valentine's day is made for.

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