I'm sick. Both from withdrawal and from some kind of mutant stomach flu. I feel like there are bits of glass churning around in my gut. I am going to get some coffee and hot teriyaki and just BURN IT OUT. Fuck it. I always have had the iron constitution...except for that one ass-related incident of salmonella, I haven't ever had a very hard time recovering. I just blow the sick out with heat. Hope it works, cross your fingers for me.
I am so angry about not being able to work yet, having the shop together and people waiting anxiously to get work done, and about man-things, that maybe that is making me sick as well. They say anger affects your system too. The hippies say. I don't know what to do with my anger. I am full of venom and rage right now. What to do? Oh yeah- Runny shit a few more times, and eat spicy stuff, and just blow it out in one massive explosion of fecal angst.
This unintelligent blonde girl I knew said to me once--"I wanna have a kid this year. I don't really care wo it's with, whoever I'm fucking next, I just won't change my patch. I just want to get pregnant before I get older." (this girl was 22.) "then maybe I can get them to marry me too---although if I have the kid, they'll have to be there for that anyway, so , fuck them. I want to have a kid and I'll just use whoever I can to do that. "
In retrospect it's really funny. I know a guy who's fucking her---he doesn't want kids. Do I tell him? I don't think so. At the time she was having an argument with me about how abortion is wrong. She was raised Catholic and is still at heart a little catholic schoolgirl pussy-jaw-trap. I don't know why I remembered this, but it's making me feel better. Thank God I'm a woman and not a man- I'd be terrified to stick my dick into anything!!!
Me, I don't want kids really. I would, if there was a fella that was with me, was serious and long-lasting etc etc and really really wanted to raise a kid...but I couldn't say that on my own, for myself, I would want one. I would take a hell of a lot of convincing. And I tend to avoid men who want to convince me. I'd rather be able to spend my time and energy growing and learning, instead of nurturing and teaching. And- I get involved with assholes. So, It is very unlikely that it'll ever happen with me.
I envy that girl. She will likely get what she wants. It's so hard to want something that's right and meaningful...because these people who want evil or meaningless or really execrable things always seem so...Happy, fulfilled, they get what they want, even though it is not good. They get satisfied and are happy with this stuff! It's never been fair but there is no way to change it, and it can be so hard sometimes not to care that those who have no inner strength or intensity or meaning in their lives can succeed while those who are trying so hard to change the world and themselves and do something right and meaningful and intense, fail.
my mom says, "It's not that bad things happen to good people.It's that good things happen to bad people. That's what gets me."