Monday, January 16, 2006

do's and don'ts

Because I am bored, and I know you guys love this shit.

This is the "men and women" "any age" "oregon" GO! edition.

1. Happy, happy, happy oregon drivers. Not even looking at the road. just taking a picture for the myspace, yo, on the way to class. the best part of this one is the guy in the car in the background with his arm all bent up. like they are waiting at a light while this guy next to them takes an arm's-length self-portrait. 4 points-because driving like this is dangerous.

2. The caption on this one says "only the seriosu trumpeters shall survive". I'm not sure how serious he really is though- I mean, turtlenecks look really good on skinny chicks with big boobs, sensitive poetic black men with short hair, and grandma. And here he is wearing one. Is he some kind of beatnik? Or perhaps it's the poetry in his soul that he's trying to contain. For some reason also this reminds me of the guy from America's Funniest Home Videos. (yes I watch it. yes I know. I watch it on mute because I hate that guy.) I can't score him high because I'm too posi inside to approve of the serious I'll give him a five, because he's the last surviving trumpeter in Oregon.

3. This guy is very scary. He's in a basement, he's wearing shades, and he's surrounded by chaos. Plastic bags, mirrors, flyers, papers flying everywhere, stuff tacked up to remind him-have you ever been in a house where someone with alzheimer's lives? And they put all those notes up so they don't forget like their own name, or what day it is, or stuff like that? Maybe this guy is just forgetful. But he's still kind of scary. I gave him a five.

4. I'm sure you dj those wedding JUST GREAT. I know you have plenty of rave shit in your lp box even though you're a big fan of Ztrip. I bet you even have a cool chick to take your picture and post it for you and help you carry your equipment around. damn djs think they're musicians and shit, even though only like three of them are. I gave him three points, one for the Z, one for the shadow, and one for the spook.

5. Holy gay. It's leopard boy! 8 points for unabashed sensitivity to light.

6. Hello my little cross-eyed beauty. I know a nice man named raoul who will steal you away to his desert island and rub you all over with coconut oil. And when the hot tropical sun gives your tender skin a bad burn he will nurse you with noxcema and pina coladas. I give her a nine. Those eyes man. Those eyes will haunt me.

7. "I'm jenny and this is my friend who is a little less pretty than me, which is why I left her sad ass in the picture. Aren't I cute?" I want to give the girl in the background ten points but her friend in the front will get them so it's only a four.

8. SWM 22, 5'9 220 lbs. Thoughtful. Intelligent. Has a laundry basket, and braids. Likes jam bands. Any takers? (7 points. This takes guts even in lily-white Oregon.)

9. It's just red boobs as far as the eye can see. And there's nothing wrong with that situation. seven points because I can't tell if she's happy for real or faking it.

10. SNOW MIDGET!!! I LOVE YOU!!! ten points!

some vice advice for you all.

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