Monday, January 16, 2006

do's and don'ts

1. This would be horrible really, if it wasn't for the amazing curtains. She looks sad about her shades, like someone convinceed her painstakingly to put them on, and yet from her arm position it's obvious that she is taking her own photograph. That she somehow convinced herself. Sybil, anyone? I give her an eight for the curtains, which her mom picked out, and because she's not entirely sure that cop shades are all that hep.

2. Oh. My. Sweet. Lord. She looks like she's been dazed by too much sun exposure. You just know that there is a giant swarthy panamanian man behind the camera, and he's wearing a big-collared half-open shirt over his sweaty, hairy belly. And she has been doing so much coke that she keeps calling him "Julio" even though he introduced himself as "juarez"(not his real name either) last night, at that club in panama city, where her parent's gold card got maxed out on mojitos and squid appetizers....I give her a 6. It's just great that she is on the shiniest table in the world and hasn't smudged it by drunkenly climbing up there.

3. What is with sunglasses indoors today? It seems like every other time I come on here there is a theme running through the rank photos. Today it's that people on coke in the tropics don't need shades, but lonely girls indoors need tham desparately. At least she's pretty pleased with herself. I give her a five because, quite honestly, there are enough nice asian girls just like this on myspace to choke a crack ho.

4.It says "RIP woodsy we will never forget you". And in order to make the memory last even longer we have placed your picture on myspace, complete with fake ice angel wings. If anyone knows who woodsy is please let me know. He has a really bright halo. But I can't see his face-it's like that dream I had about angels carrying cars around where they were all faceless and gauzy. I give him a seven for making it to heaven.

5. I am fully in favor of man-on-man action. I've been telling my friend wolfpiss about this strategy. It's easy, for guys-make out with your hot male friends. Or your geekiest male friend. The one that will blush if you give him tongue. Then watch the ladies come running. It's like fabio or chippendales or dirty-faced firemen. No red-blooded american woman can resist. I give it a ten because I too am a red-blooded american woman. And I like thin men.

6.Same girl, no glasses. At least I think so. It's like the baseball hat guy---just too common to try to discern if it's even the same person or not. Human typology has never had such a rich statistical proof as the ranking photos. I give her a 2, because I am tired of her cute ass face.

7.The caption on this one is "take me to redlands? youre liein"(sic). This is my favorite picture today. She isn't sad, quite. She can't spell. She has a green shirt and there is no way to tell what on earth she actually looks like. Her eyeshadow matches her shirt and she is just-o man. It's just moody. It's atmospheric. I don't care if she used this picture because she looks like sasquatch from everyother angle. That makes it even more poignant. I like it. Nine points.

8. These guys are proliferating as well. The khakis are from a sweatshop. The shades, once again, are mass-produced(what's with the shades today?!?!). It looks like he is sitting in the middle of the gawdamn jonestown massacre. I give him a 1. No shit bush knew. I wouldn't be surprised if you were also against war, kiddy porn, and death too. News flash!

9.This guy is haunted by his ex's ghost. she hovers over him everywhere he goes. He's like that kid in sixth sense, where every picture has some weird white bubble with a chick's face in it bobbing along behind him. He never noticed it before, so don't anyone tell him, or he'll get all freaked out. 6 points.

10. THIS is what I am looking for, people. Happy-go-lucky balls out party time. Bad prom dresses and dates in the background guffawing madly. Low lights and tongues hanging out as you scream, "THIS RAWKS" until you hemorrhage your meninges and fall down flailing in an ecstatic dance of complete and total abandon. ten points, 11 if they'd let me.

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