Monday, January 16, 2006

the euge

1. There are a hell of a lot of girls wearing skirts over their jeans here. I don't quite get this- Did you forget that you had pants on? Did you get cold in your little floral rag? Or are you a "natural woman" and you're using the jeans to control the bleeding, rather than a tampon or pad?

2. When people ride their bicycles in the street they go the wrong way on one way streets. Then the cars hit them because it's a one-way street and you don't, you know, have to look BOTH WAYS on these, because it's, you know, ILLEGAL to ride the wrong way, so when you,like, get squished, don't get all righteously I'll-never-play-soccer-again on the driver, because it's your fault.

3. It's fine that you're a student and all, but there's really no excuse for screaming "DUUUUUUAAAAAAAWWWWWWWKKKKKKSSSSSS" at 4 in the morning, on a tuesday, right outside my kitchen windows. They weren't even playing that day. They're not even that great. And don't you have some liberal arts crap to go study, or something?

4. This place is not an "apathy magnet" or an "energy drain" or really all that bad. It's just a small college town where there isn't going to be as much to do as, say, a big city like seattle or NYC or SF. Adjust your pace. Don't start thinking that the town is responsible for your laziness, lack of motivation, or fear of success.

5. To the hippies next door-I can smell your bong from here. Clean it out once in a while and I swear to you the green will be much sweeter.

6. The naked old chicken-hawk gay men out at the nude beach are there year round, and they have the best picking-up-of-truckers-at-7-a.m. stories I have ever heard. Don't be afraid of them just because they are naked. If someone bothers you out there tell them, they are like the bouncers of the river and they will help you out.

7. Sorry to tell you, but it rains more in Seattle. It's not that bad here.

8. Sweet Life does NOT make a good NY cheesecake. They make a decent gummy-ass one. If you have spent any time in NY you know what I'm saying here. It's not bad, but it's not the best. They just happen to be the "hip" dessert specialists, in a small town. This does not mean they are the best ever.

9. If you are from the desert you will not believe how green it is here. this is not really just eugene, though. It's all of the Northwest, all of Cascadia. Get used to it.

10. Yes, I know there are some surly gutter punks in and around town. Yes, I know they are sometimes aggressive and smelly, and they probably just fell off the damn train that they hopped from CA, and they have all those tattoos on their face, and you're a little scared when they ask you for money- but some of them are decent artists or musicians, and sometimes they sit and draw or play weird instruments on the street (busking, it's called in the city) and sometimes, when you're walking around tipsy, and you are in a good or bad mood, and they lpay or say the right thing, well then you should give them a dollar, because they add to the culture of this place, and believe me, crackers, you need more culture.

11. If you came here from CA, just shut the hell up. You drive like shit and the rest of the country knows it. You're worse than people from jersey. You can pretend all you want in your head that not using signals, and veering around like a maniac means you're a good driver, but you're not fooling anyone but your blind gramma. Also, shut up. You moved here. We aren't charging you sales tax. Go back to LA if you hate the rain. And it's "will Am itt" not willuh mett. I know it's stupid but try at least to pacify the natives, yes?

12. They pump gas for you in Oregon. This rocks. This is nice in a sweet old-fashioned way. I only wish they would wear thsoe old school uniforms too. And the gas station on 18th and Willamette has great flowers out front year-round. I have stolen so many dahlias from there it's not even funny any more.

13. All you locals that spell Eugene "U-geen" or "Ugn" or whatever, you are all retarded. It's fine the way it is. It's a nerd name already for cryin' out loud. How much cooler can it be?

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