Monday, January 16, 2006

sex reviews

I found the funniest thing in the world, unfortunately not written by me, but I'm gonna swipe the format in this post and make my own story out of it. If you want, read the original first-it's very funny-at Craig's list. Then ccome back and read my version. I have chosen to use no names in order to protect the innocent (as well as my reputation)

/rant section/

1. Don't assume that once you've had anal, that it will happen EVERY TIME I see you. Also, I know that a lot of what we did together was new to you and made you feel very kinky. To me it was actually kind of cliched. I'm an old hand at this stuff. Being the rock-star you claim to be, you'd think that at least one out of a hundred girls would have peed on you before you met me, or touched your ass, or wrestled with you. Or was I the only non-virgin you ever met? I know you have been in relationships before also, and therefore you really should know all about periods and not be terrified of them. It's only blood. Don't cry.

2. When you've been arguing with someone for three hours and comparing them unfavorably to your most recent ex, don't expect them to be happy when you lean in on them and mournfully ask to "make out to make up." And you DO know that vibrators should be washed before you share them? Now you do.

3. I really thought you were incredibly attractive and funny until you started acting like a muppet during sex. You should probably knock that shit off; since you want to be taken seriously and all. Froggy feelings don't help the mood when you've got candles lit and weird hippy remixes of hindu music playing. If you could have made it funny it might have worked. I couldn't come because I could tell that you meant those faces seriously. Plus I don't have the "Irie eye" so I have no idea what the fuck you were staring at while I was on top. I was right there fer cryin' out loud. Lay off the green, lil guy.

4. God. Please. Learn how to kiss. Lips have these things in them called muscles. These are what make it possible for your lips to meet and become firm. Use them. The whole wet-vacuum-sucker-fish thing? Not working. This is why I stopped hanging out with you after the second time I saw you. You even call me your "ex". I don't want to be mean so I haven't confronted you about this, but we never even had sex. As a matter of fact, we never went on a date! You have to be with someone for a while in order to "break up with" them, right? I'm your ex-what? I just don't get it.

5. I really liked you at first because you talked to me a lot about a lot of different things. Then it ran dry. And I didn't feel like moping in the corner at the bar holding your hand and not talking to you, or anyone else, all night. Stultifying. How on earth could I get worked up into a frenzy after three hours of talking about-work? WTF? Flirting is foreplay.No talking, no fucking. Learn it, love it, live it.

/end rant section

/rave section/

1. Any guy that gets red in the face when you bite him is o.k. by me. Also letting me pretend to choke you? Funny as hell. Plus you really listened to all suggestions...too bad things weren't as perfectly matched outside of naked time(see ..5 above)-but anyone that makes those noises gets a good reference from me. Oh and you smelled great. Working-man pheromones really send me. You know who you are. (I would ask you not to play the sappy music in the background, though. It's hard to get filthy nasty hot with someone and hear a jilted lover yodeling at the same time.)

2. You are awesome. No really. You even let me smack you around a little and tickle. Without getting hyper or angry. That's awesome. Also it's nice to laugh a lot while I'm naked. And since you don't get insecure that it's at you (it isn't) that helps too. And that thing with the roaming hands while your mouth is busy "down there"? Key. Key. Plus you are a coy one, and I didn't expect it to be sooo much better the second try, and the third, etc, etc.

3. It's been a long time since this guy but I have to say that you really had rhythm. I always wonder why other guys never go that right speed that's too slow to bounce to but too fast to get bored with. It's not their fault, it's yours. Thanks a lot mister!

/end rave

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