Monday, January 16, 2006

way way back machine

I found this on the wayback machine tonight. It might give y'all some insight into just HOW crappy my last relationship was, since I wrote this while he was busy using me and cheating on me...not that I'm bitter, of course. If he would only stop begging me to be with him again! Then maybe I would respect him a little more. He to this day insists he has not been with or pursued anyone else....yet tells his pals he doesn't even talk to me???
Crazy fucker. I guess we all are though. And they will find out on their own-no need to play the bitch...
besides I have more fun things ot do than pay attention any more. Past it. Really. This is just, sort of, crappy nostalgia. And a baring of the way I felt back then. Things are a bit better for me now, depression and poverty and all.
...but for all you special folks, here's a taste of the crap-

ca. 2002

"Some rules of thumb I have learned"

1. If your partner introduces you as their "roommate", they're in trouble. Immediately make him put on his french maid uniform and get to work.

2. If you are dating someone who erases the caller ID every three hours, turns off their pc monitor when you walk into the room, or who tries to be extra loving after being on the pc for hours, insert that handy remote-controlled butt-plug and hide in the kitchen, snickering at his howls of protest.

3. Never ever run late for work or for your friends because you want to finish pegging your man of the moment. Willpower can be a good thing. You will feel better when he's begging for it.

4. When unsure of whether your date is flirting, walk right up to the alleged flirtee and introduce yourself with a warm handshake. Proceed to engage them in deep conversation about the joys and sorrows of your relationship with the flirter. You may make a new friend!

5. Jealousy can be fun. Remember to empathize with your competitors- after all, they have no idea what goes on in your bed, shower, living room, or dungeon. They are hapless bystanders. Your partner should bear the full brunt of jealousy. After all, they're the ones who asked for it.

6. Do not, and I repeat, do not, expect a boot to turn into a sneaker.

7. If you feel vengeful or angry, turn it to good use. Flogging is acceptable, as is arm wrestling, poking, pinching, tickling, and pegging.(thank you, dan savage) Don't be afraid to use all the tools at your disposal to deal with your own hurt and anger.

8. Remember that men and women are different. To hold on to a woman, you must appeal to her intelligence and taste. Flowers and love notes work well. To hold on to a man, you must appeal to his ego and eyes. Try dolling up and grabbing his penis.

9. If you want something, ask for it. If you don't want something, hit back. If you're not sure what you want, hem and haw while you decide.

10. As long as nobody's in charge, the ship may run off course. Be honest with yourself- do you want to get married and pass on the holy fire to another generation of swine, or do you just want to sit back and put your hands on the back of their head? (see .9) Then be honest with your partner. Tell them sincerely that you want more oral sex, or that their feet stink , or that you want to impregnate them. Let them know what they can do to satisfy you.

11. Shades of gray are unflattering to most skin types. Cloak yourself in mystery or step into the light. Once they know what you smell like in the morning, once they know that you fart in your sleep, once you have exposed your ugly toes and lumpy warts to their discerning vision, they will never again view you as a luminous dream. This can work in your favor. A luminous dream doesn't get much in the way of tender loving care.

12. The joys of lazy sex when you're half-asleep and both parties are unable to move vigorously can dramatically slow the aging process.

13. Paying bills, washing dishes, putting the toilet seat up or down, and being in a pissy mood after a hard day at work, are all part of a dynamic relationship. Take advantage of these opportunities to show your partner that you care by not asking them to help you.

14. There is no reason to hit, punch, kick, or otherwise manhandle your partner. Most difficulties can be resolved through yelling, screaming, interrupting, and throwing things. This creates a climate in which both parties feel safe in expressing their emotions. Becoming a good listener may require practice at first, but the rewards are well worth it.

15. Giving someone a piece of your mind may eventually become draining to your own abilities. Keep track of how much mind you have left, and don't run on an empty tank.

16. Never fear. There are other leeches in the pond and if you stick your leg in, one will surely climb on.

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